Scientists Confirm Efficacy of Astrology

(With contributions by Shashank Kancherla, Moinak Bannerjee and Lalit Mohan Chawla)

Since time immemorial, Indians have been aware of how Sun’s apparent position, relative to arbitrarily defined constellations, at the time of our birth, affects our personality. Empowered by the knowledge of future events, Hindus were an invincible force in the past. However after the repeated Mughal and British invasions, most knowledge and wealth was lost.

To make the matters worse, the western Big Pharmas, with the help of anti-national skeptic community, have filled Indians with so much doubt regarding efficacy of the ancient science, that the negative energies, generated by their doubts, nullify any helpful messages revealed by the Cosmos in daily newspapers.

But that is to end now that we have found solid evidence for usefulness of Astrology, [1] courtesy the liberated scientists Dr Imao Real Momoto , a Cosmic Physicist from Tawagoto University, Japan, and Dr. Chepak Gosmit Dopera, a reputed Indian quantum physicist. While researching in the prestigious Bunkum Institute for Advanced Hyperspace Research, Hawaii, Dr Imao and Dr Chepak came about a new way to broach the issue. Since astrologers have often faced flak for not being able to explain scientific principles behind astrology, these two sciencists take a strong scientific approach to explain as to how the heavens might influence your life.

In an article titled ‘Future in the Stars’, these quantum geniuses describe that the new paradigm in their thinking is that they deviate from the age-old notions and look at the problem afresh by gathering all the facts that suit their hypothesis and then drawing solid conclusions. Using this philosophy and the emerging concepts of Cosmic Rays and Bigons, [2] they were able to discover the astrological mechanisms at work. Quoting from their paper

Cosmic rays are highly energetic charged particles[42] which come from the depths of space. They bombard the Earth and several may be landing on your skin right this instant. Since these particles are charged, they are bent in a magnetic field and on collision produce Bigons[3] which have the power to transform a person’s quantum aura and their life forever.

They further explain

Cosmic rays come from all sides – scientists call this isotropic behavior. However, the presence of planets and the Sun in our vicinity changes everything. These cosmic rays coming from deep space are influenced by the gravito-magnetic fields[420] of the planets and the Sun and thus arrive slightly differently at different times, depending on the position of the heavenly bodies. Children born at different times will thus be bombarded with scattered cosmic rays of different energies, coming from different directions. Each cosmic ray creates a new subatomic particle, i.e. a Bigon, which has a unique effect correlated with the energy of the cosmic ray which generated it. Once these cosmic energies hit the expected to be pregnant woman, they change the very nascent, not yet formed DNA of the future foetus ever so slightly, thus determining the entire course of its life.

The theory was tested using a proprietary quantum computer, since these calculations tend to get very large and messy. They noted the date and time of births of Isaac Newton, Paris Hilton, Magic Johnson, Pope John Paul II and George W. Bush. Using the relevant planetary positions and state-of-the-art parabolic calculus techniques of General Relativity and Spin Quantum Cosmology, [3] they found what effects this might have on the celebrity DNAs. They wanted to validate if all these people would grow up to be popular personalities. Sure enough, they got 100 % accurate results – the quantum computer predicted that Newton, Hilton, Johnson and John Paul would be popular figures. It also predicted that Bush wouldn’t be – a first class prediction. With a much larger uniformly random sample, the results were impressive with 50% accuracy at predicting whether the given person is famous or not. Further, it predicted that 92% of the population has above-average intelligence, a fact borne out by numerous surveys.

For a final confirmatory test, scientists conducted a double-blind study. They showed astrological predictions to a person chosen at random. The astrological sign of the person was not revealed to the scientists, and the astrological sign used for prediction was not revealed to the person. Yet, in more than 96% of cases, people agreed that their day’s events matched with the predictions, confirming the efficacy of predictions beyond doubt.

When asked about the future of this research the sciencists said

Future studies can only improve this research. Science understand Bigons as much as we understand Quantum Physics. Although we have figured out the effects of cosmic rays, the subtle issue of cosmic consciousness remains far more daunting.

In an exclusive sound byte, [4] Dr Dopera commented

It is quite clear that Cosmic consciousness opens a symphony of brightness and all our futures are entangled in existential human observation.

[1]: Shocking truth of Horrorscope
[2]: The Bigon Story
[3]: Quantum Gravity Beyond Boundaries
[4]: The Manifestation of Truth

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  • Completely humor article written with quite seriousness. Looked like a true article untill we open the cited links. 🙂

  • Good enough prank but considering some of the people we are dealing with here, it has a fair possibility of backfiring. My money is on a link to this article appearing alongside one of Deepak Chopra’s illuminating musings within a week.

  • Lovely. I liked especially the remark: “Further, it predicted that 92% of the population has above-average intelligence, a fact borne out by numerous surveys.” Statistics is a most pliable tool, capable of wonderful contortions when used skilfully. The possibility that 92% of a sample can be above average is not new in our milieu, where everybody is outstanding unless it is proved to the contrary — and it is undemocratic to attempt to do so. The score distribution in many of our state board higher secondary examinations is a classic case in point, since a substantial fraction of the examinees emerges with ‘centum’ (“zendum”, in popular parlance) in an astonishing variety of subjects, leading to ‘cut-offs’ that start at around 99% and must be specified to four decimal places. (An aside: I wonder if the need for such precision in cut-offs was what impelled the invention of the decimal place-value system in ancient India?!)

    As pointed out in some of the comments — it is entirely possible that this spoof will be taken literally in some quarters, with (unintendedly) hilarious consequences. Let’s look forward to that!

  • Hi everyone,

    I am a Jain and am closely looking at whether karma theory holds by applying multidisciplinary thinking (trying to figure out the theory by applying knowledge of multiple subjects).

    So, to start with, I am trying to define “Karma” in “Karma Theory”. If I apply my little knowledge of Chemistry, it would be safe to assume that it is an atom (a nucleus surrounded by protons, neutrons, electrons). But the question is how many of each ?

    Or do I have to think about Karma as an “intangible”. Then, do i think of it as light of a particular wavelength ?

    This is quite overwhelming. I am trying to justify to myself first whether what I believe in makes sense. And, it is very important as I strongly believe that notions must be discarded. I would really appreciate some guidance to my questions. Can anyone who has gone in depth and proven how irrational certain “theories” are, share their mail ID. I would enjoy speaking to someone who can guide me regarding Jainism.


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